2007 was not a good year to be a Mordecai. My mother got thyroid cancer, and not just any thyroid cancer, but the rarest and deadliest form of thyroid cancer. Fortunately, even the most virulent form of thyroid cancer takes its sweet time getting stronger, taking a very long time to grow and mature.

Due to some great luck and great doctors, my Ma, last fall, was able to get her thyroid, and all the cancer removed. She was just recently declared Cancer free by her excellent doctors. However, someday it might come back and hit her again, so from now on she gets to get regular testing to check preventively on that little cancer bastard.

Now, one might ask, how does this involve me? The answer, my friends, is fancy science.

The medulary thyroid cancer gene is a fantastic indicator if someday in the future you will also get thyroid cancer. Everyone who carries the gene has a 50/50 chance of passing it on to their offspring. If you don't carry the gene, then your kids, and all their kids etc are safe.

Since my mom had it, we decided to get everyone directly related to her also tested for the gene. My brother, the lucky scumbag, tested negative for it (which means his adorable offspring is in the clear.) Other distant relatives tested positive for it and are now calling all their distant relatives to get them checked as well. I, being the lucky bastard I am, tested positive for it (and they notified me at the Mordecai Christmas, which was a total bummer.)

If you test positive for the gene, then the fancy science doctors recommend that you have your thyroid remove. The simple logic is, if you don't have a thyroid, you can't get thyroid cancer. And all your thyroid functions can actually be replaced by a pill that will regulate things far better than a thyroid can. So some doctors are going to slit my throat and take this mofo out.

My kids (starting with Mordecai #1 who I am calling Cletus McFetus, due June 26th) will all have to get tested as well. If they are positive for the gene, the doctors will recomend they have theirs removed around the age of 10 (There's a form of thyroid cancer that's been known to show up as early as age 15 so they want to nip it in the butt as soon as possible.)

Yesterday, I had a ultrasound of my neck, and they found a tiny lump in my thyroid that doesn't look cancerous. The doctor said it's my decision whether to go through with this or not. I'm gonna go ahead and err on the side of NOT GETTING FUCKING CANCER. So now I wait for the scheduler to get me an appointment so some guy with a lust for blood can slit my throat. The recovery takes one day in the hospital and then maybe a couple days at home and then you are right as rain. Sometimes, the level of thyroid pill has to be tweaked to get you to optimal level, but generally, there are no side effects after the surgery is complete.

Now, seeing as how I HATE sympathy and well wishes, and I assume someone will make the mistake of saying "I'm so sorry" in a comment, I am going to give you a distracting task. Think of interesting ways I can fuck with the medical staff without affecting my surgery's outcome. Things like writing "Wrong neck" on my actual neck.

Thoughts? Ideas?