Charlie

It's been a while since I wrote an in depth note about Charlie. It's been pretty amazing to watch him grow and develop into the 7 month old genius he's become. Truly no child could have advanced in the same way he has as fast as he has. He is clearly gifted and special. The way he throws toys at my face, gets mad when he bounces too long, grabs himself when I change his diaper and bites Heather when nursing are clearly indications that he is going to be a doctor/lawyer/rock star/chef who cures cancer while simultaneously releasing the best rock album of all time and opens a restaurant 5 stars above French Laundry.

For those that are new parents, I offer a regular recurring post with definitions to help guide you through the first 7 months. Clearly, I am an expert now, and it might be good for you to know these definitions before they happen to you.

Stealth Vomit: Vomit you didn't know was there until you discover it 2 weeks later. You walk to an appointment, take off your jacket, only to discover a an artistic white splotch all the way down the back of it.

Stair Vomit: Like Stealth Vomit, except it secretly got in your hair. You thought you dodged a bullet a couple days earlier, when you moved your head to get out of the way of arial vomit (thanks to the game of airplane you were playing after he ate a big meal), only to discover a crusty patch of upchuck that had dried in your hair in the 2 days since you last were able to shower.

Shark Week Nipple: Once your baby grows teeth, it's like Shark Week on the discovery channel in there. Put a finger in, you might lose it. Eventually, your baby, when full and bored, will decide to test mom rather than feed. When that happens, it's like someone threw chum in the water and waited. It's only a matter of time before the baby shark decides to shoot out of the water and try to bite a nipple off. This leads to the sore Shark Week Nipple as I like to call it. Think we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Toyrony: When after receiving the spoils of excited grandparents and friends, your baby's favorite toy becomes something other than a toy. Like the bottom end of a lotion bottle. Charlie's favorite toy is the bottom end of a lotion bottle. Not the $100 bouncer, not the $30 bongos that play psychological warfare on my brain, but the bottom end of an empty squeeze bottle of skin moisturizer that costs $1.99. Bravo, Charlie, bravo. Oh delicious Toyrony.

Lieper: Like a dirty diaper, but full of lies. You'll go to change your young ward's diaper, smelling the aftermath in his pants, and when you open it up, he's still going. Not cool, dude, not cool. The only way to protect yourself is to seal it back up as fast as possible until the storm passes.

BTSD: Similar to tragedy victims who get PTSD, Blowout Traumatic Stress Disorder happens to parents after a particularly horrendous blowout that goes horribly awry. It's bad enough when you discovered that your baby has overloaded their diaper, then jumped up and down in their bouncer for an hour, pushing the tragedy to outlandishly comical and horrifying ends. Its quite another thing, when they are covered in said filth, and they then dip their foot right into it and then try to stick said foot into their mouth. Or if they grab themselves during sterilization and get some in their hand and try to put it in their mouth. After the initial parental response of trying to stop the incident from occurring, mom or dad might also have the sudden urge to gag, yet they can do nothing about getting fresh air until the baby is sterile. And so they repeatedly gag and stop tragedy over and over, until the baby is once again clean. This leaves them in a state of shock and awe, called BTSD, leaving them on the brink of madness. NOT COOL.

Just writing about it has given me BTSD. I have to go lie down now. More definitions some other time.

Theodore Roosevelt once said the following:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

I learned that quote working in Iowa for the Dean campaign as a novice in politics, just before our soul crushing loss. It has been engrained in my skull ever since. This is our opportunity to reverse 8 years of impropriety, corruption, aggression, war, greed, and Bush's every man for himself attitude. This is our opportunity for us to make positive changes for our country and the world. This Tuesday is our chance to improve Education, The Environment, Voters Rights, Freedom of Speech, The Court System, Congress, The Senate, Women's Rights, Foreign Policy, Technology, The Military, The Healthcare System, Immigration, Civil Rights, homeland Security, Government Infrastructure, and Iraq. This election can't be a simple 50+1 majority, it has to be a shellacking that makes people understand that fundamental changes have to happen in this country. It needs to an absolute rejection of Bush, McCain and the entire Republican movement.

Even if you've never volunteered before, think about the direction you want this country to go, take the next step and VOLUNTEER . Wether it's one hour or one day. Take a day off if you can. Having no experience is no excuse, as a lot of the volunteers are new to this. Obama's team will train you, it will be ok. You can even do it from your own home.

I'm in a Regional Get Out the Vote office, printing canvas packets all day. I'll be doing it Sunday and Monday too. Then I'm going to a polling place and acting as a poll watcher to make sure no one loses their vote. I won't stop until the polls are closed.

If a lazy bastard like me can do that for 4 days out of my life, you can give an hour. Your family will be there when you get back, they'll have you the other 361 days this year. Cancel whatever you are doing, and help finish this thing once and for all. An hour, a day, 4 days, whatever you can give.

Do it for me, do it for Charlie, do it for your family, do it for yourself. We're on the verge of making history and we can not get complacent. Do what Teddy asks, get out there, and please make a difference.

If you don't, you'll make this sweet innocent baby cry.

Don't be a punk. Go do something more than vote. Then let me know that you did it so I can have even more respect for you than I already have.

Like Teddy says, Know in the end the triumph of high achievement.

Love and hugs,

The Mordecai Hope and Change Factory

It's been a while. And I'm determined to blog more about all our trials and tribulations. But the Election is keeping me busy. So in the interim, I offer a bunch of photos of Charlie with all the gifts you sent him. See you on Wednesday after Obama is president.

Long time no blog. Thought I might give you a small Charlie fix to tide you over. So Charlie has been voicing his opinions on things lately. Whenever he's not crying or sleeping, he's generally talking. And by talking, I don't mean the cute little adorable baby coos one hears when one plays with a baby.

Charlie delivers guttural demonic smurf battle-cries of war on a regular basis. He's the Louis Armstrong of Babies. He's Krusty the Clown in Baby form. He's... well, you tell me what you think he sounds like?

It's clearly stressing Charlie out.

I know I put a ban on all Charlie Daniels name jokes for about 3 weeks now, but this one was so effin awesome that I must allow it to happen. My friends at Chapter Three got together and sent Charlie a Golden Fiddle.

For those of you too young or daft to get the joke, I offer up this lyric from Charlie Daniels' Band's classic, The Devil Went Down to Georgia:

Johnny you rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard.
'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals it hard.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.

Below is the letter they enclosed with the fiddle:

Heather and Adam,

Our best wishes on the birth of your child and our sincerest hope that Charlie Daniel take after his mother in every possible way. With the charm and elegance of the Mordecai's being her fault, he should have no problem being the most stylish kid at his school and sharing in many amazing kisses with cute anarchist vegans.

To celebrate his birth - and to prevent future pacts with the devil - we are including this gold fiddle. May he be the best that's ever been.

Your fans and followers,

Zack, Josh, and Matt

Gentlemen, you are geniuses. My boy will do his best to play it like the devil.

Whoever invented huggies needs to be beaten with a bag of oranges, tied to a table, while 7 babies wearing huggies hang over him while drinking a crapload of milk every hour. Then he can enjoy the water torture of 7 diapers simultaneously dumping urine all over him.

I just don't get it. Every time I put Charlie in pampers, I never get a drop on me. With huggies, not only do I get drops, I get a fountain. It's like the diaper isn't there. It shoots out like he's naked. Napkins would work better.

I'm coming for you huggies. And when I find you, I'm going to pee on you.

That is all. I'm now changing my shirt and going out to buy PAMPERS, BEOTCHES!

This will be brief because it is so gross and so scaring to my psyche.

Want to know how to make a dirty bomb? Take your child's diaper off just after you think they finished pooping. Apparently they can make it explode like a bomb, rather than just a drizzle. All over you.

The more you know. *Cue TMYK theme song*

I'm gonna go scrub my skin raw now.

Things I know about John Elway, The Greatest QB of all TIME:

1. He's extremely fast.
2. He's extremely tricky. Flea Flicker anyone?
3. He's awesome with the pump fake.
4. He's got laser perfect aim.
5. He has two superbowl rings.

So last night, at 3 am I'm all groggy, complacent and feeding Charlie when I discover a stinky diaper. I decided to change it. Then the following happened.

1. I place the new diaper under the old one and clean him off.
2. As I move the old diaper out of the way, he poops again. I rush to make sure there's no blast radius by blocking with the new diaper.
3. I reach for new diaper #2 while suddenly coming to the realization that I have not covered his junk. I reach for a pee pee teepee.
4. I turn back around and he's managed to use his laser perfect aim to pee in his own ear, and all over his pajamas. He got me with the pump fake.
5. I give him a championship ring for fastest pee-er ever.

I'm even more resolved to beat this kid at his game, but you win this time Charlie, you win this time. By the way, when you get older, don't try that on the football field. It could end badly.

While I was gone, Charlie decided he wanted headshots for his upcoming career as a stage baby. While I wasn't comfortable with all the fame I achieved acting, he apparently is hungry for his 15 minutes. I will be actively pushing to quash his dreams of stardom, and encourage him to go into a more subdued and professional career like extreme sports or politics.

Regardless, a new friend of ours, Andrea Johnston took some awesome pictures. Charlie was already cuter than your baby, but she has now turned him into the George Clooney of babies. Suck on that, other parents who reads this blog. My boy just out cuted yours!